Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The Clock is Ticking

During my morning commute I discovered that I am a complete scumbag. The act that led to this realization was inadvertant and could normally be excused, if any effort at all was made to undo my actions. I exited the bus and made my way down the stairs into the Copley Station. For as long as I have been using this route to work, every morning there is a portly fellow playing the clarinet at the bottom of the first set of steps. This morning he seemed to have been replaced by a wild haired woman with no discernible talents (clarinet, guitar, bongos, shaking change cup, etc.) other than the fact that she had a horrid lazy eye. I would have assumed it was glass but I saw it move.
Since I had never seen her there before I did a double take and immediately noticed said lazy eye. My eyes locked with hers, one at a time for her, and I took out my wallet. She looked as if she were an Asian overachiever and I just took out a shiny new rubix cube for her. Mind you, this is all told in hindsight because at the time I was listening to my ipod and temporarily oblivious to what I was doing. Like I said, I took out my wallet immediately after or maybe even during eye contact with her. Naturally, her assumpion was that some green was coming her way. Oh no. I took out my T pass, put my eyes down and continued down the stairs, right passed her and to the right to my train. When I was out of sight from her, I stopped and thought about what I had done.
I locked eyes with a bum, took out my wallet, and took out my T pass and kept on walking. I ate an ice cream cone in front of a fat kid. I had sex with your girlfriend while I knew you were watching through a double mirror. I could have gone back and given her some money...but I didn't. I teased a bum ladies and gentlemen, and I am not proud of it.

Does anyone remember the toy guitar that was sold in the early 90's called "Hot Lixx." A quick refresher for those who do not. This was an "electric guitar" toy that instead of strings had blue buttons up the neck. Each of these fuckin buttons played a short different riff. This thing even had a whammy bar to really stretch the notes out while you furiously hit the buttons on the neck. For whatever reason, I was thinking about this toy today and the commercial that advertised it. A group of uncool kids gathered around a 9 year old Zack Morris wannabe and his new 'guitar.'
The loser kids shouted, "Where'd you learn to play like that!!??!?"
Our little hero responds cooly with, "Never took a lesson in my life." (I neglected to mention that this little fuck has a backwards adjustable ball cap with a clump of dirty blonde hair sticking straight through. Fuck him) The kids go wild after little Zacky regales them with his self taught style.
Hold the phone here for a second. You never took a lesson in what, button pushing? This is the type of shit kids fall for. Stick a wicked sweet kid with a backwards hat and have him hit a few buttons. Could the writers of this commercial not do any better than "Never took a lesson in my life." There arent even any fuckin strings on this thing. How about he answers the loser kids with "I dont know how to play you fucking loser. I am pressing a button and pulling on a plastic bar that is painted to look like metal. No wonder you dont have any friends. Fuck you you loser kids, you retards thought I was playing the guitar." Works much better.
(After I am through with this blog I am sending a check for $100 to my parents for the Hot Lixx I so desparately wanted one Christmas, which they provided for me. I never said I wasnt a total pussy when I was a kid)

I saw a black guy without a moustache today. It was weird.

Also, I am extending the blog naming contest until the first blog after amateur night. The front runner right now is ""

Also I am pleased to announce that there is another blogger in the DiOrio family. I will announce thelink and pertinent info when it is ready. It is a change of pace from this one. It appears that my brother is both more intelligent and more socially aware than I am. Stay Tuned.


Anonymous Anonymous said... sucks my nuts diorio, you will lose a reader of your blog if thats the name I have to gaze at when I first enter your site. You've been warned

7:54 PM  
Anonymous keely said...

Good Lucky TONIGHT MATT!! i hope you.. um... break a leg? and remember all those bad tv episodes when you make fun of your friends and they are in the audience.. you can make fun of me cuz i won't be there :)

5:46 PM  
Blogger ling-ling san said...

"Never took a lession in our lives" I think is how the ad ended with all those fuks complete with hot lixx.

My friends and I mocked that ad over a span of 5 years.

8:33 AM  

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