Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Takin the Stage

I made it through amateur night and I have to tell you, that was definitely the coolest thing I've ever done. Thanks to everyone who came we had a strong turnout from both home and St. A's. Respect it. The server is currently not cooperating with me so I cannot yet upload the audio onto the blog, but if any of you lost souls would like the clip just shoot me an IM (officerdiorio) and I will gladly send it along. I am now on my own ipod which is cool. I feel like my boy Dan Blanchard, who has a band called Offshore that you will all be hearing from very very soon. They rock hard. Anyways, the quality of the file isnt top notch because it was recorded from the crowd so you hear a them louder than me, but if you crank it you can at least hear the performance if you couldn't make it or were to cheap to go...... like Matt Neumann. Mr Neumann wears a headset and a yellow tie to work every day and they dont pay him enough to gain admission into the comedy connection.

Now about the actual performance. I didnt even go to work the day of because I would have been freaking out and shitting myself all day. I decided to sleep in and do that from home. Once I finally decided on what I was going to say, it was just a matter of time before I went downtown and got onstage. Since I have a debilitating fear of speaking in front of people I decided that there was only one way I was going to make it onstage: Booze. I only had 3 beers before I left but I got to Fanueil Hall at 7 so there was plenty of time for my Guardian Angel....gin. I found what has to be the shittiest bar downtown and went in and started drinking. I wasnt even done with my first drink when two of my old chums from St. A's randomly walked in. It was at that point when I realized I couldnt fuck up too bad because there were a lot of people I know coming.

Fast forward to 7:30. I walk upstairs to the club and see some friends outside and I check in with the doorman. I set out on a mission to hammer as many drinks as the waitress can bring before I go onstage. I am going on 6th because I am assuming they dont want half of the tritown to leave early. You have to tell them who you are seeing for amateur night. Anyway, the show begins and I am still nervous. Still drinking, but still very very nervous. Strangely my hands were not shaking. DiOrio's hands shake when they eat soup for fuck's sake but thankfully mine were not even tho I was within an hour of trying to make a bunch of people laugh. I didnt pay too much attention to the acts before me. I wrote on my wrist some bullet points in case I froze up there. Still boozin but not feeling as wacked as I should have, my time was up. The host called me up and it was showtime.

Thankfully I had a lot of support there which made the whole thing a lot easier. You can get the audio from me if you wanna hear how it went and/or talk to someone who was there. In my personal opinion though, it went pretty well for my first time. I'd say it beat when I lost my virginity in terms of my performance. I did forget a couple lines that I really thought would have went well but what the fuck are you going to do. One thing I did learn was that going on stage is fucking addicting. I think I may try to do this more often.....


In other news read my bro's site, http://wideworldsports.blogspot.com/
and if you dont get the Blazing Saddles reference in the title, die a slow and painful death. His blog is more current events related so freshen up your world perspective and get ur news from a DiOrio.


Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The Clock is Ticking

During my morning commute I discovered that I am a complete scumbag. The act that led to this realization was inadvertant and could normally be excused, if any effort at all was made to undo my actions. I exited the bus and made my way down the stairs into the Copley Station. For as long as I have been using this route to work, every morning there is a portly fellow playing the clarinet at the bottom of the first set of steps. This morning he seemed to have been replaced by a wild haired woman with no discernible talents (clarinet, guitar, bongos, shaking change cup, etc.) other than the fact that she had a horrid lazy eye. I would have assumed it was glass but I saw it move.
Since I had never seen her there before I did a double take and immediately noticed said lazy eye. My eyes locked with hers, one at a time for her, and I took out my wallet. She looked as if she were an Asian overachiever and I just took out a shiny new rubix cube for her. Mind you, this is all told in hindsight because at the time I was listening to my ipod and temporarily oblivious to what I was doing. Like I said, I took out my wallet immediately after or maybe even during eye contact with her. Naturally, her assumpion was that some green was coming her way. Oh no. I took out my T pass, put my eyes down and continued down the stairs, right passed her and to the right to my train. When I was out of sight from her, I stopped and thought about what I had done.
I locked eyes with a bum, took out my wallet, and took out my T pass and kept on walking. I ate an ice cream cone in front of a fat kid. I had sex with your girlfriend while I knew you were watching through a double mirror. I could have gone back and given her some money...but I didn't. I teased a bum ladies and gentlemen, and I am not proud of it.

Does anyone remember the toy guitar that was sold in the early 90's called "Hot Lixx." A quick refresher for those who do not. This was an "electric guitar" toy that instead of strings had blue buttons up the neck. Each of these fuckin buttons played a short different riff. This thing even had a whammy bar to really stretch the notes out while you furiously hit the buttons on the neck. For whatever reason, I was thinking about this toy today and the commercial that advertised it. A group of uncool kids gathered around a 9 year old Zack Morris wannabe and his new 'guitar.'
The loser kids shouted, "Where'd you learn to play like that!!??!?"
Our little hero responds cooly with, "Never took a lesson in my life." (I neglected to mention that this little fuck has a backwards adjustable ball cap with a clump of dirty blonde hair sticking straight through. Fuck him) The kids go wild after little Zacky regales them with his self taught style.
Hold the phone here for a second. You never took a lesson in what, button pushing? This is the type of shit kids fall for. Stick a wicked sweet kid with a backwards hat and have him hit a few buttons. Could the writers of this commercial not do any better than "Never took a lesson in my life." There arent even any fuckin strings on this thing. How about he answers the loser kids with "I dont know how to play you fucking loser. I am pressing a button and pulling on a plastic bar that is painted to look like metal. No wonder you dont have any friends. Fuck you you loser kids, you retards thought I was playing the guitar." Works much better.
(After I am through with this blog I am sending a check for $100 to my parents for the Hot Lixx I so desparately wanted one Christmas, which they provided for me. I never said I wasnt a total pussy when I was a kid)

I saw a black guy without a moustache today. It was weird.

Also, I am extending the blog naming contest until the first blog after amateur night. The front runner right now is "mattdiorio.com"


Also I am pleased to announce that there is another blogger in the DiOrio family. I will announce thelink and pertinent info when it is ready. It is a change of pace from this one. It appears that my brother is both more intelligent and more socially aware than I am. Stay Tuned.