Thursday, January 26, 2006

Thank You MBTA

The madness of riding the bus and/or the T every day has finally reached its apex. Earlier this week I was doing my normal scan of the Orange Line faithful and I happened upon the all time winner in the "I Totally Dont Give a Shit What People Think About Me" Hall of Fame. Or for short, the ITDGASWPTAMHOF." Now normally when I conduct my subway scans I log in someone that deserves a second look into my temporary (and some would say creepy) people watching file and keep the eyes moving. I then steal glances at them throughout the trip until they lose my attention and most likely leave the file. If you've never relied on public transportation, you can't know what a spectacle it is to people watch every day. You can't help but look.

Anyways, back to the hall of fame inductee. As I said, I was on the orange line scanning the crowd. Making my way around, my eyes stopped moving and focused on the obese black woman standing across from me. Why mention her race you ask? Why do you take dumps? Because you have to, that's why. She was standing in the middle of a crowded train reading. She wasn't reading Harry Potter or the Da Vinci Code, oh no. She was reading the Hoboken Times Bestseller, "G-Spot: An Urban Erotic Tale." In the middle of a fucking subway train. I don't have to tell you that this is the equivalent of seeing a fat white woman reading one of those romance novels with Fabio on the cover in public. Aren't those the type of books that you read in the privacy of your own home. That's how I know that this lady did not give a fuck about what anyone on the train thought, and let me tell you I wasnt the only one who saw the title.

Reading this in public shows a lot about her. She was bascially broadcasting, " I am lonely. I am horny. I will fuck you. Now." I get self conscious when I read a Michael Crichton book on the bus and this lady's reading a book called "G-Spot." I just wish that she stood on some newspapers before she got off the train. That puddle was fucking disgusting.

I would like to share with you a post that my good friend and college roommate left on my last entry. I will not deny or confirm that this ever took place. But it did.

Dear Matty, and Dear Friends of Matty,

Of all the trying times I've followed Matty through, none were as potent and as terrible as the night we came to the following understanding....
We were at the cheapest Chinese food place we could find in old Manch Vegas...we were at the bar with a few other sorry souls. I was challenging my cohorts to dare me to steal a bottle of Jack Daniels from behind the bar when Matty told me. He said, " you know how we hate our whore housemate, Allie?". "yeah" i said, "she's the filthiest skank i ever lent my t.v. to". "Well", matty went on " I was taking a shower the other day and I decided I hated her so much that I would scrub my ass and balls with that lufa she leaves in the shower. I think I swabbed my colon" He laughed.
I laughed too and thought about what the fuck a lufa was...then, as my face went white and a sudden feelinf of helplessness fell over me I realized what fate had done to me. " Matty," Isaid " my mother gave me that lufa, I used it two hours ago". Since then, my nipples have fallen off, and the doc tells me not to swim in sewage anymore.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Its about to get raw"

"Wet dog"

"Matty D spinning the hits"

"the one and only Matthew Diorio"

4:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

two names for this blog site...
1.) It's not's Diorio

2.) Diorios and milk please

2:18 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home