Monday, November 28, 2005

Study Links Sexual Behavior to Conception Positions

Ladies and Gentlemen the blog has returned. I have been slacking off considerably and I would like to apologize to each and every one of you. I am back and recharged and I will guarantee at least one post per week, or your money back. But since you dead beats aren't paying me, I can not be held accountable for the previous promise.

By my count, I havent posted since November the second.
Aas far as Im concerned, that miserable group of words posted about Iraq never happened. Now that we have all that cleared up, its time I continue on with today's topic. I have taken the liberty of cutting and pasting an article that I stumbled upon in the October 2005 issue of "Reader's Digest." I'm back and I am already slacking, posting someone else's article. Ahh well, Enjoy this and I will be back within a few days.

Study Links Sexual Behavior to Conception Positions
by Darren Brittlebones
Have you ever wondered why you have certain preferences when it comes to being intimate with the opposite sex? Dr. Richard Kimble, chair of the world renowned Institute for Sexual Studies in upstate New York thinks he has the answer. "In most of our subjects, we have found out that their sexual preferences are directly linked to the sexual position that they were conceived in, and also the sex acts that preceded their parents' ensuing intercourse." I have to admit, I was pretty skeptical when I first heard about
this study. However, after I spent a few hours talking with Dr. Kimble and his team of researchers, my skepticism transformed into total awe. Before I offer the story of how I became a believer, I will let Dr Kimble take over and explain, in his own words, what exactly this study is all about.

"The goal of this study is to understand whether or not our sexual preferences have anything to do with how we were made. Meaning, if one of our subject's conception was the result of Mommy and Daddy engaging in the reverse cowgirl position with extensive grabbing of the testicles, will the child have the same adventurous spirit when they becomesexually active? Obviously, to undertake a task as daunting as this would require everyone involved to be 100% committed to the project. After carefully selecting my team of enthusiastic researchers, we began countless hours of interviews with the thousands of families that participated in this study. The families selected all had children that were at least 18 years of age, and all parties had to be open with their sexual activities and histories.

We separated the parents from their offspring and 2 teams of researchers would interview both the parents and their children. The teams researching was the parents were comprised mainly of psychologists who would ask question after question about each child's conception until the memories were so vivid, it was like they happened yesterday. After a clear picture of the conception was painted, my team would dig a little bit deeper. Consider a family of 5 where all of the children are girls. If this couple's first daughter was conceived in the missionary position but their second and third were the result of pages 24 and 37 of the Karma Sutra, we needed to find out which of the behaviors was more habitual. After determining whether or not the parents were always so adventurous in the bedroom, we would compare those results to the answers given to us by their children. If the aformentioned first daughter was timid in the bedroom compared with his or her other 2 siblings, who happened to be raging whores, then we drew a correlation between the position of their conception and their sexual behavior.

One particularly fascinating case involved a family from Tempe, Arizona, the Carter's. The parents informed my team that their only son was the result of a night of unusually raunchy sex. This couple participated in the study because they wanted to know if it was their fault that their son acted the way he did. The parents were polite, successfull and deeply religious. They informed us that their sex life was normally tame but on this one night, things got out of control. They admitted that they had a few too many Tom Collins drinks at a friend's house after attending a Church barbecue. They usually didn't drink. When they returned to their home Mr Carter saw a look in his wife's eyes that he had never seen before. They had sex in almost every room in their house, in positions my seasoned researchers had hardly even heard of. Mrs. Carter thinks the conception most likely happened after Mr. Carter gave her what she referred to as a "Cleaveland Steamer" which was immediately followed by a trip to the shower, where they came together in the doggystyle position, under a shower of boiling hot water. They still the have burn marks. They never drank, nor had sex like that again, and their son has grown into quite the sexual deviant.

What is interesting about this case is that the boy never knew of his parents sinful tryst. He was raised a strict Catholic, and yet he still has a reputation for never wearing condoms and, for lack of better terminology, releasing his seed on the faces of his partners. The Carters, one night of debauchery in a lifetime of wholesome living, and their son's behavior appears to be the direct result of it. That is why i wanted this study to be done. If parents dont like the way their kids are behaving, they need to look in the mirror and ask, 'is this my fault?' I've had mothers leave the Institute weeping, saying 'If I didnt let my husband fuck me like a whore, then my daughter wouldn't be such a god damn slut....its all my fault.'"

Dr. Kimble is obviously a crusader for human understanding. And I now know why I can't have sex without an elastic tied securely around my testicles. Because that's how my father liked it, that's how I was conceived.

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