Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Killin Time 12-1-2005

I saw something I have never seen before this week at work. A gentleman came into the room where we were training because we were having problems with the projector. It was a little off center so this dude walks in there, cracks the obligatory office joke, "Which one of you guys was hanging from the projector?" After our riotous laughter subsided, I noticed something very peculiar about this man. It couldn't be...could it?? Was I seeing things?? I knew my eyes weren't betraying me. The projector guy was wearing a white collared shirt.........with no undershirt underneath. What a power move.

I have never, in my life, seen a man rock a white button down sans undershirt. Who amongst my loyal readers would even consider such a thing? The best part about the projector guy was that underneath his shirt, both his front and back side looked like a human version of Mr Bigglesworth. I was transfixed, I wanted to stop looking but I couldn't. Kind of like when you walk down the street at noon and actually witness a bum pissing his pants (whcih I saw in September). You obviously don't want to watch but, fuckin A, how many times in your life are you going to observe an event as rare as this? Now I need to know more about Projector Guy. Has he been this bold his whole life? I need a logical explanation of why he would do this. My personal opinion, or hope rather, is that this is a one time deal, the Haley's Comet of business casual attire.

Tonight I observed the lamest type of human being on Earth, (yes, even more lame than 22 year old kids with their own blog). Tonight I witnessed, first hand, the guy who shows up at the bar specifically to set a high score at an arcade game. George Costanza, bow your head in shame. The man in question tonight was an absolute squid. He was a black guy, with white skin and red hair. Picture former New Jersey Net and current Torono Raptor power forward Aaron Williams, only this guy was barely 6 feet tall. The gamer in question storms into the bar and approcahes the "Big Buck Hunter II" game. He quickly jams 2 quarters into the machine, grabs the fake shotgun and angrily points it at the screen, waiting to kill his dinner.

15 seconds go by until he realizes he needs 50 more cents. He looks around helplessly because he doesn't have any more change. I sensed he was about to hit the panic button when a waitress walked by and he snagged a dollar in change from her. He hit start and grabbed the fake shotgun from its place in front of the game. He cocked it and pointed it at the screen, flashing a grimace that would make Bill Cowher proud. I reached down to take a sip of my drink and as i did, I immediately regretted it. I heard the gun cocking and firing repeatedly and I looked up quickly to see how many Bucks our hero had taken down. As it turns out, he was simply entering his initials into the game. From now on he will be known as "R O B."

Rob hunted for quite some time, mowing down buck after buck. Finally, after he had ravaged most of upstate New York, Rob made a mistake. He shot and killed a doe. "FUCK!!!" rang through the bar....people stopped and turned. It appeared Rob had lost his turn before he set the high score. He threw the fake shotgun back into its place on the console but suddenly he picked it back up, eyes focused on the kill. Rob had earned a "turkey hunt" bonus round. He shot 13 out of 30 wild turkeys, put the gun down and finally walked out of the bar satisfied.


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