Monday, November 14, 2005

12 days off and this is all I could come up with?

Ladies and gentlemen......the blog has returned. One of my 17 faithful readers informed me that I was being lazy and that the blog was "like crack" to her. My life is complete. Anyways, today I have for you a political commentary. Just kidding. Ill leave that area to the people who know the most about it.....the Jews. But seriously, I have some ramblings on the conflict in Iraq that are not political at all. Basically its just me trying to make someone laugh with hopes that a response will follow, directly raising my fragile and often shattered self esteem. What follows is in no way an attempt at trivializing the conflict over there, because honestly I repsect soldiers more than anyone. Basically, because Im a pussy and I could never do it.

Obviously, there have been countless suicide bombings in Iraq since this conflict started. I feel like its getting to the point where its totally normal over there. Like there will be two old men sitting in the Iraqi equivalent of a Starbucks reading the paper, and one of them will go "Another suicide bombing...it says here it was Mohammed's son." The other guy will go, "Mohammed Al Jafar?"
"No no no...his son drove an explosive filled truck into the marketplace 2 years ago. It wasn't Mohammed Al Jafar...it was Mohammed Jasmine Aladdin's son."
"That's too bad.....you want another nonfat grande latte?"
And that will be the end of the conversation. Also, it is obvious that I have a deep repertoire of Muslim names at my disposal. It seems like its at the point where the people not involved are numb to reading about it. Kind of like me reading that Courtney Love is in rehab again. At first its kind of a shock, but by the 76th time it doesn't elicit an emotional response the way that it did the first few times. Not that that is a valid comparison but I am a sheltered human being, and thats the best I could do.

But honestly, how many of these crazy Iraqi's have performed the aforementioned suicide bombings and related activities. These people are like fucking lemmings. I read somewhere that they believe they will get 70 virgins in the afterlife if they strap a block of c4 to themselves and walk into a building and let er rip. Ever heard of a fucking remote detonator or something? I mean the promise of 70 virgins in the afterlife sounds like a pretty decent way to spend eternity, but lets face it, there are no guarantees. What if they die and their afterlife reward for sacrificing themselves is they have to live in an exact replica of New York City for all eternity. Wouldn't that be ironic. They'd get there expecting to see 70 tight boxes waiting for them and all they would see is the fuckin Big Apple. Sorry chief, you're already dead. Suicide won't get you out of this one. Again.

But what if they are right? What if 70 virgins are awaiting them? They are gonna have to spend the first few years of their eternal life breaking all these hoes in. And what did these poor girls do to get assigned to Suicide Bomber #451 for all of eternity? That's a raw deal if you ask me.

Let's face it....these guys aren't getting 70 virgins. These guys probably feel like heroes right up until their heads separate from their bodies. And Im sure to a select group of people they are heroes. *Popmpous American Opinion Alert* But when the rest of the world hears about what they do, they are viewed as insane retards who cause needless destruction and cant even be held accountable for it because they are vaporized in the process. Kids dont look up to these fucks. You think little Johnny USA has a poster of Mahmoud Abdullah who took out 8 US troops, 18 innocent civilians and maimed 3 dogs on his wall? I don't. Or even Iraqi kids. Are you proud that Daddy waltzed up to an Army truck and destroyed a few lives and left you and your family fatherless? Oh you are? Shit I thought I had a point there.

In closing, I would like to go on record saying that suicide bombings, no matter how strong your belief in something, are wicked gay and retarded. I am huge believer in the skills of Tom Brady, does that mean I will walk into his "enemy" Peyton Manning's house with a lit stick of dynamite down my pants and give him a hug? Shitty parallel there but I think my meaning is semi-clear. These radicals hate Americans, obviously. (note: I didnt mean for radical to be used in the early 90's way. I meant it in the insanely active religious way. If I meant early 90's, id be talking about how radical the nintendo game Skate or Die was.) There are different ways to express hatred and even different ways of causing destruction. I guess killing yourself in the process of fuckin up a few other people is cool with them because as soon as they do it they are on a magic carpet ride to their virgin paradise. But, it is also cowardly because they are not alive to face any sort of consequence.

Hopefully I will be able to post again by the end of the week. If I do not, there is a 90% chance it will be because Allah killed me.

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