Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Killin Time 12-1-2005

I saw something I have never seen before this week at work. A gentleman came into the room where we were training because we were having problems with the projector. It was a little off center so this dude walks in there, cracks the obligatory office joke, "Which one of you guys was hanging from the projector?" After our riotous laughter subsided, I noticed something very peculiar about this man. It couldn't be...could it?? Was I seeing things?? I knew my eyes weren't betraying me. The projector guy was wearing a white collared shirt.........with no undershirt underneath. What a power move.

I have never, in my life, seen a man rock a white button down sans undershirt. Who amongst my loyal readers would even consider such a thing? The best part about the projector guy was that underneath his shirt, both his front and back side looked like a human version of Mr Bigglesworth. I was transfixed, I wanted to stop looking but I couldn't. Kind of like when you walk down the street at noon and actually witness a bum pissing his pants (whcih I saw in September). You obviously don't want to watch but, fuckin A, how many times in your life are you going to observe an event as rare as this? Now I need to know more about Projector Guy. Has he been this bold his whole life? I need a logical explanation of why he would do this. My personal opinion, or hope rather, is that this is a one time deal, the Haley's Comet of business casual attire.

Tonight I observed the lamest type of human being on Earth, (yes, even more lame than 22 year old kids with their own blog). Tonight I witnessed, first hand, the guy who shows up at the bar specifically to set a high score at an arcade game. George Costanza, bow your head in shame. The man in question tonight was an absolute squid. He was a black guy, with white skin and red hair. Picture former New Jersey Net and current Torono Raptor power forward Aaron Williams, only this guy was barely 6 feet tall. The gamer in question storms into the bar and approcahes the "Big Buck Hunter II" game. He quickly jams 2 quarters into the machine, grabs the fake shotgun and angrily points it at the screen, waiting to kill his dinner.

15 seconds go by until he realizes he needs 50 more cents. He looks around helplessly because he doesn't have any more change. I sensed he was about to hit the panic button when a waitress walked by and he snagged a dollar in change from her. He hit start and grabbed the fake shotgun from its place in front of the game. He cocked it and pointed it at the screen, flashing a grimace that would make Bill Cowher proud. I reached down to take a sip of my drink and as i did, I immediately regretted it. I heard the gun cocking and firing repeatedly and I looked up quickly to see how many Bucks our hero had taken down. As it turns out, he was simply entering his initials into the game. From now on he will be known as "R O B."

Rob hunted for quite some time, mowing down buck after buck. Finally, after he had ravaged most of upstate New York, Rob made a mistake. He shot and killed a doe. "FUCK!!!" rang through the bar....people stopped and turned. It appeared Rob had lost his turn before he set the high score. He threw the fake shotgun back into its place on the console but suddenly he picked it back up, eyes focused on the kill. Rob had earned a "turkey hunt" bonus round. He shot 13 out of 30 wild turkeys, put the gun down and finally walked out of the bar satisfied.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Study Links Sexual Behavior to Conception Positions

Ladies and Gentlemen the blog has returned. I have been slacking off considerably and I would like to apologize to each and every one of you. I am back and recharged and I will guarantee at least one post per week, or your money back. But since you dead beats aren't paying me, I can not be held accountable for the previous promise.

By my count, I havent posted since November the second.
Aas far as Im concerned, that miserable group of words posted about Iraq never happened. Now that we have all that cleared up, its time I continue on with today's topic. I have taken the liberty of cutting and pasting an article that I stumbled upon in the October 2005 issue of "Reader's Digest." I'm back and I am already slacking, posting someone else's article. Ahh well, Enjoy this and I will be back within a few days.

Study Links Sexual Behavior to Conception Positions
by Darren Brittlebones
Have you ever wondered why you have certain preferences when it comes to being intimate with the opposite sex? Dr. Richard Kimble, chair of the world renowned Institute for Sexual Studies in upstate New York thinks he has the answer. "In most of our subjects, we have found out that their sexual preferences are directly linked to the sexual position that they were conceived in, and also the sex acts that preceded their parents' ensuing intercourse." I have to admit, I was pretty skeptical when I first heard about
this study. However, after I spent a few hours talking with Dr. Kimble and his team of researchers, my skepticism transformed into total awe. Before I offer the story of how I became a believer, I will let Dr Kimble take over and explain, in his own words, what exactly this study is all about.

"The goal of this study is to understand whether or not our sexual preferences have anything to do with how we were made. Meaning, if one of our subject's conception was the result of Mommy and Daddy engaging in the reverse cowgirl position with extensive grabbing of the testicles, will the child have the same adventurous spirit when they becomesexually active? Obviously, to undertake a task as daunting as this would require everyone involved to be 100% committed to the project. After carefully selecting my team of enthusiastic researchers, we began countless hours of interviews with the thousands of families that participated in this study. The families selected all had children that were at least 18 years of age, and all parties had to be open with their sexual activities and histories.

We separated the parents from their offspring and 2 teams of researchers would interview both the parents and their children. The teams researching was the parents were comprised mainly of psychologists who would ask question after question about each child's conception until the memories were so vivid, it was like they happened yesterday. After a clear picture of the conception was painted, my team would dig a little bit deeper. Consider a family of 5 where all of the children are girls. If this couple's first daughter was conceived in the missionary position but their second and third were the result of pages 24 and 37 of the Karma Sutra, we needed to find out which of the behaviors was more habitual. After determining whether or not the parents were always so adventurous in the bedroom, we would compare those results to the answers given to us by their children. If the aformentioned first daughter was timid in the bedroom compared with his or her other 2 siblings, who happened to be raging whores, then we drew a correlation between the position of their conception and their sexual behavior.

One particularly fascinating case involved a family from Tempe, Arizona, the Carter's. The parents informed my team that their only son was the result of a night of unusually raunchy sex. This couple participated in the study because they wanted to know if it was their fault that their son acted the way he did. The parents were polite, successfull and deeply religious. They informed us that their sex life was normally tame but on this one night, things got out of control. They admitted that they had a few too many Tom Collins drinks at a friend's house after attending a Church barbecue. They usually didn't drink. When they returned to their home Mr Carter saw a look in his wife's eyes that he had never seen before. They had sex in almost every room in their house, in positions my seasoned researchers had hardly even heard of. Mrs. Carter thinks the conception most likely happened after Mr. Carter gave her what she referred to as a "Cleaveland Steamer" which was immediately followed by a trip to the shower, where they came together in the doggystyle position, under a shower of boiling hot water. They still the have burn marks. They never drank, nor had sex like that again, and their son has grown into quite the sexual deviant.

What is interesting about this case is that the boy never knew of his parents sinful tryst. He was raised a strict Catholic, and yet he still has a reputation for never wearing condoms and, for lack of better terminology, releasing his seed on the faces of his partners. The Carters, one night of debauchery in a lifetime of wholesome living, and their son's behavior appears to be the direct result of it. That is why i wanted this study to be done. If parents dont like the way their kids are behaving, they need to look in the mirror and ask, 'is this my fault?' I've had mothers leave the Institute weeping, saying 'If I didnt let my husband fuck me like a whore, then my daughter wouldn't be such a god damn slut....its all my fault.'"

Dr. Kimble is obviously a crusader for human understanding. And I now know why I can't have sex without an elastic tied securely around my testicles. Because that's how my father liked it, that's how I was conceived.

Monday, November 14, 2005

12 days off and this is all I could come up with?

Ladies and gentlemen......the blog has returned. One of my 17 faithful readers informed me that I was being lazy and that the blog was "like crack" to her. My life is complete. Anyways, today I have for you a political commentary. Just kidding. Ill leave that area to the people who know the most about it.....the Jews. But seriously, I have some ramblings on the conflict in Iraq that are not political at all. Basically its just me trying to make someone laugh with hopes that a response will follow, directly raising my fragile and often shattered self esteem. What follows is in no way an attempt at trivializing the conflict over there, because honestly I repsect soldiers more than anyone. Basically, because Im a pussy and I could never do it.

Obviously, there have been countless suicide bombings in Iraq since this conflict started. I feel like its getting to the point where its totally normal over there. Like there will be two old men sitting in the Iraqi equivalent of a Starbucks reading the paper, and one of them will go "Another suicide says here it was Mohammed's son." The other guy will go, "Mohammed Al Jafar?"
"No no no...his son drove an explosive filled truck into the marketplace 2 years ago. It wasn't Mohammed Al was Mohammed Jasmine Aladdin's son."
"That's too want another nonfat grande latte?"
And that will be the end of the conversation. Also, it is obvious that I have a deep repertoire of Muslim names at my disposal. It seems like its at the point where the people not involved are numb to reading about it. Kind of like me reading that Courtney Love is in rehab again. At first its kind of a shock, but by the 76th time it doesn't elicit an emotional response the way that it did the first few times. Not that that is a valid comparison but I am a sheltered human being, and thats the best I could do.

But honestly, how many of these crazy Iraqi's have performed the aforementioned suicide bombings and related activities. These people are like fucking lemmings. I read somewhere that they believe they will get 70 virgins in the afterlife if they strap a block of c4 to themselves and walk into a building and let er rip. Ever heard of a fucking remote detonator or something? I mean the promise of 70 virgins in the afterlife sounds like a pretty decent way to spend eternity, but lets face it, there are no guarantees. What if they die and their afterlife reward for sacrificing themselves is they have to live in an exact replica of New York City for all eternity. Wouldn't that be ironic. They'd get there expecting to see 70 tight boxes waiting for them and all they would see is the fuckin Big Apple. Sorry chief, you're already dead. Suicide won't get you out of this one. Again.

But what if they are right? What if 70 virgins are awaiting them? They are gonna have to spend the first few years of their eternal life breaking all these hoes in. And what did these poor girls do to get assigned to Suicide Bomber #451 for all of eternity? That's a raw deal if you ask me.

Let's face it....these guys aren't getting 70 virgins. These guys probably feel like heroes right up until their heads separate from their bodies. And Im sure to a select group of people they are heroes. *Popmpous American Opinion Alert* But when the rest of the world hears about what they do, they are viewed as insane retards who cause needless destruction and cant even be held accountable for it because they are vaporized in the process. Kids dont look up to these fucks. You think little Johnny USA has a poster of Mahmoud Abdullah who took out 8 US troops, 18 innocent civilians and maimed 3 dogs on his wall? I don't. Or even Iraqi kids. Are you proud that Daddy waltzed up to an Army truck and destroyed a few lives and left you and your family fatherless? Oh you are? Shit I thought I had a point there.

In closing, I would like to go on record saying that suicide bombings, no matter how strong your belief in something, are wicked gay and retarded. I am huge believer in the skills of Tom Brady, does that mean I will walk into his "enemy" Peyton Manning's house with a lit stick of dynamite down my pants and give him a hug? Shitty parallel there but I think my meaning is semi-clear. These radicals hate Americans, obviously. (note: I didnt mean for radical to be used in the early 90's way. I meant it in the insanely active religious way. If I meant early 90's, id be talking about how radical the nintendo game Skate or Die was.) There are different ways to express hatred and even different ways of causing destruction. I guess killing yourself in the process of fuckin up a few other people is cool with them because as soon as they do it they are on a magic carpet ride to their virgin paradise. But, it is also cowardly because they are not alive to face any sort of consequence.

Hopefully I will be able to post again by the end of the week. If I do not, there is a 90% chance it will be because Allah killed me.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Killin' Time 11-2-05

Before I get started, Id like to leave a note to the homeless of downtown Boston: We all know that the Dunkin Donuts cup you are holding is for change. There's no need to yell at people and tell them what they already know. You need money, we understand, that's why you have the cup. Its obvious you aren't waiting for someone to walk by with a fresh pot of coffee and offer you a refill.

There has been something that I've been wondering about lately and any feedback would be much appreciated. When guys are hanging out, the topic of "getting pussy" comes up 99% of the time. We'll say things like "I need pussy" or "I got some ass last night" or "Im trying to bang this chick" and things of that nature. And when one of us lands some, invasive and sometimes appalling questions are asked without a second thought. "How were her tits?" "Did her box stink?" We're guys, this is what we do. What I want to know is, how do girls approach this subject. Normally I would just guess that you ladies talk about love and wanting a boyfriend and all that. Give me romance, buy me stuff, blah blah blah. But that would be too boring and too stereotypical to be true.

I can picture a group of girls hanging out, and the following comments flying around the room. "Oh my god, I need some fucking dick." "You slut! haha I guess I could too, its been a while." Then the whore of the group chimes in, "Not me ladies, I fucked that guy from work last night." Then I think THEY ask invasive and appalling questions. "How was his cock Alice!!! Was it huge, oh my god I bet it was huge." And so on and so forth. Deep down, I believe this is how women act. So ladies, unless Im totally wrong, and you bitches would be lying if you said I was, cut us men some slack. Don't act disgusted when one of your guy friends says he needs some pussy, because either you need dick just as bad or your gettin it in the cut and you don't want anyone to know. I hope you all enjoyed my misogynistic rant. Now if one of you bum bitches offers it up a little easier for one of us lucky guys, Ive done my job.

Karson Motta Moment of the Week- When I was a sophomore in high school I went to work for a couple days with Karson's family's construction business. Since I was light years away from my love handles, I was extremely light and having a hard time lugging shingles up the ladder to the roof. Let me rephrase that, it nearly killed me. Ill never be Hercules, but in those days I was exceptionally weak. I could probably have benched the bar 3 times. Anyways, I am about 3 rungs from the top of the ladder, wobbling and shaking with a bundle of shingles on my shoulder, when Karson decides it will be a good time to pull my pants down. Thank god he missed my boxers, because Im not even sure if I had pubes back then. I was helpless, stuck on a ladder, shaking with fear that I was going to die, shingles on my shoulder, and about 6 middle aged roughnecks laughing their asses off from the roof. Karson was on the ground, laughing harder than Ive ever seen a human laugh. When I managed to get myself safe and my pants back up, I decided it was time for my first cigarette.