Friday, September 30, 2005

Gastric Bypass Surgery: The Coward's Way Out

In recent years more and more people seem to be having their stomachs stapled to lose an ungodly amount of weight. These people have been lionized in the media and made to look like heroes. My problem is, what the fuck did they do? The dropped 20 grand on a sirgery that guarantees they lose dozens of pounds in a short amount of time. What a lazy cop out. This surgery is an indication of what is wrong with America, a bunch of people looking for the easy way out. OK, so say you are obese and you aren't happy about it. You have several choices. You can live with it and keep on pounding those double cheeseburgers, you can go on a diet and start working out, or you can go to the hospital and get your fucking stomach stapled.
Choice #1 would be the easiest since it doens't require any life changes. Keep eatin all that grease, don't work out and keep pakcing on those pounds. In a few years you will be fused to your couch through multpile layers of fat and skin, but hey, at least you did it on your terms. Choice #2, go on a diet and start exercising. I realize this is a painful process for most people, hell I am in the same boat as you. I hate working out. That's why I have love handles the size of billerica. Still, I will go to the gym and at least try to make a dent in them. Exercise and diet is probably the best way to burn fat and all that shit.
Lastly, we come to fucking gastric bypass surgery. This is what you get when you are so fat and so lazy, that you need someone to staple your stomach to a fraction of its normal size so you won't eat as much and you will lose weight. And I thought liposuction was a cop out. Jesus Christ, are you that depressed and lazy that you need a surgical procedure to shrink the amount of food that your stomach can handle? What happens to a guy who has this surgery, then has a little too much fun at Thanksgiving and eats more than his stomach can handle? He will most likely die because his new stomach can't handle those 4 extra helpings of stuffing. Gastric Bypass surgery is indicative of the problems that we see in America. A person sees he is obese so instead of going ona diet, he calls his doctor and says "Staple my stomach." Ok, so you have the surgery and its a success, now you can only eat 1/4 of a Big Mac isntead of all of it. Its absurd that you can cut down the amount of food that you can handle down significantly. Am I the only one who thinks this is unnatural?
Lets take that fat wench Carnie Wilson. Yes her dad was a Beach Boy, and yes she had some hits with Wilson Philips in the early 90's. Still, she has always been a fat beast. Now most overweight people either accept that they are overweight or they go on a diet to try and get in better shape. Not Carnie, she decides to get her stomach stapled. What a coward. She is going to spend 35 years putting on an inordinate amount of weight and then one day say, "You know what, I want to be skinny, call Dr. Grover." Then she ends up on the cover of people like its some great accomplishemtn. Excuse me, what the fuck did you do to get on a magazine cover? You definitely didn't lose 150 pounds the old fashioned way, that's for sure.
This is why I hate this surgery. You can spend your whole life being lazy and eating McDonal'ds (2 of my favorite past times, if it must be noted) and then one day, if you have the money, you can go to the doctor's and have your stomach stapled, forcing you to lose dozens of pounds. You can no longer stuff yourself until you can't move, because if you eat more than a rat's portion, you will die. Either accept that you are out of shape and try to put in a little hard work to change it, or just keep on living the way you have been. Gastric Bypass surgery is a medical cop out. If you are obese and unhappy about it, stop eating foot long meatball subs on Italian Herbs'n'Cheese bread and start working out. Why not try the veggie combo, I hear they're delicious..

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Why I wouldnt mind being a dog

Of all of the common domesticated animals in America, dogs have it the best. Sure, some dogs in this great nation are bred for destruction and forced to fight to the death in the most apalling of circumstances, but let's just ignore those dogs. I would not want to be one of them. I am talking about suburban dwelling dogs belonging to loving familes. After you read this I hope you will agree with me that it really wouldn't be that bad to be a dog. First, you get to sleep all fucking day. Family is at work or school? What the fuck are you gonna do all day, clean the house? Nope, you are going to sleep. Its not like when they get home they are going to yell at you for not vaccuuming or doing the dishes. Nah, they save that for their deadbeat kids who don't have jobs. Even when they are home, you can still sleep and no one will think any less of you. I know if I slept 20 hours a day, I would generally be viewed as a piece of shit. Not dogs, they can sleep as much as they want and when they wake up, people are still gonna pet them. Next, they get fed. Dogs will eat their own shit, so if they are left a bowl of dog food, its like they wona gift certificate to the Cheesecake Factory. I've heard people say, "Man dogs eat the same food every morning and every night," to which I like to respond, "If you had the choice of eating your own, or someone else's shit, or having the same ham sandwich everyday for the rest of your life, you best believe you are gonna take that ham sandwich."
Another good thing about being a dog is you're forced to do exercise evryday. You know, that time of day when your master comes home from work, all you have to do is wag your fucking tail at him and he will say "Honey, Ill be back in a half hour, I gotta walk the fucking dog." Sure, he will act like he doesn't want to take you out, but he enjoys it. Even if you don't wanna go for a walk, you will be forced to go anyways because most people don't want a fat dog. So its good that you have to go running everyday, I know no one's holding a gun to my head saying, "Matt lets go for a run, those love handles can't get any bigger or the neighbors will start talking." Also, dogs can piss and shit wherever they want, and no one thinks any less of them. If I shit on my neighbors front lawn, would their reaction be, "I guess that kid just hasn't been trained properly yet?" No, their reaction would be to call the police and have me arrested. Hell, my dog could piss in the middle of my kitchen and all that would happen is one of the humans would clean it up. The dog might get smacked in the nose, but they dont care. They will take a little pain instead of having to get off their beds and go outside. Dogs can also lick themselves anywhere. Um, that's not cool. Even if I could do that, I wouldn't......Anyways, onto the last tenet of my Why I Wouldnt Mind Being a Dog Manifesto. A dog can walk up to whatever other dog, or even person, they want to and start humping them. What luck. Imagine if everytime you walked down the street and you saw someone you thought was hot, you just went up to them and started boning, and all they did was just sit there and take it. That's the power dog's have.
Plus no one cares if you last long because you are most likely having sex in public, and the people who can see you just want it to end. A dog in a good home is the human equivalent of being the King of England. You have everything you need taken care of for you, and if there are problems, someone else takes care of them. The dogs don't do shit besides eat, sleep, and fuck. What the hell does the British Roayl Family do? They don't really govern, they have servants and a truck load of money, all they need to do is just sit there while the whole country pets them. And why do they get this priviledge? They were born into it, just like dogs are brought into a decent home. Fuckin dogs man, they got it made.

Killin Time' 9-28-05

We all know at least one of these guys. People who are kind to a fault, but get walked over their whole lives because they have extremely low self esteem. This is the type of guy who won't bother to correct his boss when he calls him Jerry and his name is reallyJohn. This is the type of guy who if he is going to the store, and he asks you if you need anything, you could hand him 2 dollars and say "Ill take a large cheese pizza" and he wouldn't even ask you for more money. He would bring you the pizza. Identified by slumped shoulders and a soft speaking voice.

One time a friend of mine was complaining because "whenever he sits down on the toilet, his dick hits the water" Um, is that anything to fucking complain about? I don't think Id ever wear pants if I had that "problem." The only time my dick has ever hit any water taking a dump is when I shit in the ocean when i was 17.

Last year I called for a free sample of Enzyte. I ended up getting in an argument with the woman on the phone because she said I only got 7 days worth and I said the commercial said 30. She said the commercial was wrong. I can only imagine what she was thinking, "this guy needs natural male enhancement, and he's cheap...what a catch"

I'm not a very big fan of haircuts. I dont have a regular barber (huge mistake on my part) so there are always problems when a woman cuts my hair, and there are always problem when a man cuts my hair. First, the ladies. You sit down to get a haircut, and you tell them "fade it up the sides and the back, and trim the top." Not a difficult request, is it? Woman are always thinking 2 steps ahead, always questioning your motives for that particular hair cut. "Why do you want that, are you going to grow it out this winter?" "Um, its fuckin July, you wanna just trim me up so I can get the fuck out of here?" Or this is my favorite, you tell her what you want, they make an uncomfortable looking face and day "Are you sure? " or "Why don't you let me spike it up instead." Then there's the male barbers. Tell the guy the same thing as I asked the lady. He goes, "So you want a regulah boys haircut?" Um, no I want you to just do what I asked. But, since most barbers give everyone the same haircut, you leave looking like one of the defendants from A Few Good Men.

I saw a bum outside of my work the other day with a fucking cooler and a packed lunch. Why are you outside begging for money, if you came into "work" today with a Coleman cooler, 2 capri suns, a ham and cheese sandwich wrapped in plastic and a bag of Cape Cod chips. I know he didn't get it at the shelter.

You want to enter into a legal contract that guarantees bad sex for the rest of your life? Marry me.

Different people have different opinions on what they think is disgusting and what they feel is acceptable. For instance, you may think its disgusting that most of the time I dont wash my hands after I piss. My argument is, if I didnt piss on myself, whats the point? However, there are some things that I would say are universally disgusting...feel free to disagree. I have a friend, who will remain nameless, that committed an act so heinous I wanted to vomit. We were at a friend's house hanging out and drinking, and he went upstairs to take a dump. He came downstairs, fully clothed, about 15 minutes later. "Man, you got no more toilet paper up there." I looked at him, "You bastard, you used the rest of it?" He responded, without a hint of remorse or disgust, "No, there was none up there at all. Where is it?" I looked around the room, and then said what everyone may or may not have been thinking. "Dude, you just took a shit, didn't wipe your ass, pulled up your pants, and walked downstairs?" "Yeah, so" He then made his way to the downstairs bathroom, claims to have cleaned himself, emerges from the bathroom and sits down next to me. I dont think I am alone in saying that it was absolutely disgusting. He picked up a tin and packed a bomb like nothing was wrong, while everyone in the room tried to pick their jaws off the floor.

I was having the conversation with somebody about things that are "wicked college things to do." It was a light conversation and we were having a good laugh, with such suggestions as saying pregame to describe drinking before you go out, popping your collars on your shirt, giving girls rufy's, starting fights for no reason and things of that nature. He then came out with, "Its wicked college when you take a dump, and instead of wiping you just get right into the shower." I dont know what college you went to my friend, but at Saint Anselm College (my dear alma matter) we dont call that sort of thing "college" at all. We call it disgusting.

What ever happened to "stock" names?

Let me first state that I watch a lot of TV, I go to the movies regularly and have been known to knock off a book here and there. I feel like I have an above average knowledge of pop culture which qualifies me to write this blog. Not really but I will do it anyways. It has always bugged me that writers can't simply assign the majority of their characters regular names like Mike or John or Jen or Sarah, since those type of stock names that most of us seem to have. I read a Sci-Fi book last year and the main character's name was Rip Cantrell. He had an uncle named Egg Cantrell. The book was decent but I couldn't get passed the fucking names. "Rip uncovered the flying saucer buried in the Sahara for thousands of years while his Uncle Egg scrambled in the sun." OK I added that last part in but that's the type of shit I was thinking the whole time because of those ridiculous names. Does anyone out there know anyone with a birth name of Rip or Egg? Didn't think so.

Let's take the show Friends for example. This show is made up of 2 stock names (Joey and Rachel)...3 in betweeners (Monica, Phoebe, Ross) that are not absurd, but they aren't as common as a Joey or a Rachel. Then we come to Chandler Bing. What would be the harm with naming him Mike? The show is supposed to be about 6 common New Yorkers and their friendships with each other. Find me a group of 6 friends with a Phoebe and a Chandler in it, and I will show you a dwarf that's 5'9". I would relate to the show a little more if it was made up of a Jen, a Dave, Two Mikes, a Kate and an Ali. Since most of us can name at least 13 Mikes or Matts or Jenns, why not make a show with some of the people having the same names so they have to be distinguished by their last names or a sweet nickname. Hell, they could even call the second Mike "Hoss" and it would be better than fucking Egg Cantrell or Chandler Bing, at least we would know that Hoss was really named Mike, but he joined the group late and there was already a Mike in the group. I'm not against unique names, maybe this bothers me because my name is Matt, which is a pretty stock name since I can name 7 Matt's that I went to high school without even thinking.

Another Hollywood trend involving names is celebrities giving their kids names that will guarantee they get the shit kicked out of them by the time they are 9. Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow named their daughter Apple. For the first time in history, you can say "awww, she's so sweet" and mean it quite literally. Courtney Cox named her daughter Coco. Congratulations, you just gave birth to a stripper. David Beckham named his kid Brooklyn because that's where he was conceived. When that kid is 13 he is gonna say, "Daddy, why did you name me Brooklyn." Becks will respond in his high pitched British voice, "Because, son, that's where I fucked your mother in a hotel elevator and woudln't you know it, they don't have condom machines on elevator." I'd pay top dollar to hear that question answered. One of the most fucked up celebrities of all, Britney Spears, actually named her son Sean. What the fuck? I would have bet money that his name was going to be something crazy, like Spears Pepsi Federline. Either way, that kid's got a great father (wait for it...................)

I realize people try to give their children or characters a unique name to maybe give them something that will grab people's attention and give them an immediate identity. If you meet a person named Apple, chancers are you will remember. But what if you named your kid Daisy Sunshine because you did a lot of acid, and the kid grows up and becomes a frigging doctor? Plan for the future people, no one wants to have open heart surgery performed on them by Dr. Daisy Sunshine Cunningham. I'd take my chances with Dr. Nick Riviera. Give your kid a regular name, and if he or she makes it big they can make a stage name or something. That's why you have those all time classics like Nicholas Cage and Vin Diesel. Nicholas Cage can give himself that cheesy last name because he's a squid. Vin Diesel turned out to be a pretty fit guy, so he has the luxury of calling himself Vin Diesel. Now what if some gump names his kid Vin Diesel and then the kid turns out to be an anorexic. Now that's irony. Plus your kids will forever hate you if the name doesn't work out. Imagine if our boy Vinny didn't become so,well, diesel. Play is safe with the names. If your kid wants to give himself a name to better fit who he or she is, let them make that choice for themselves. Don't make it so a kid has to go the gym twice a day because his name is Diesel.